London Ink Spot

Will The Ads on Satellite Radio Be Profane?

2005-11-18T08:33:00.000-05:00

Advertisers drool over potential of uncensored radio spots on XM and Sirius.

Advertising agencies are running out of space on the old creative envelope in their constant quest to be "breakthrough" and "fresh." After all, how many different ways are there to do "doctor recommended" aspirin spots and sophomoric beer commercials? (Doesn't it seem as though every creative director really wants to write sitcoms or screenplays anyway?)

But now the emergence of an unregulated medium--satellite radio--may open up a whole new vein of creative options. Hey, advertising is about emotion, and what better way to express emotion about some otherwise boring, non-differentiated consumer packaged good, bucket of chicken or American-made vehicle than a string of profanity.

Imagine those great OnStar spots taking on a whole new sense of urgency with the help of a few well-placed curses:

Operator: OnStar emergency, how can I help you?
Man: Oh, god, she's in labor, my god, I don't know what to do.
Operator: OK, sir, let me just confirm your location.
Woman's Voice in Background: F@@@@@@@@@@ck!! It hurts like a son-of-a-b!!!!!!tch!!
Man: Jesus, can't you just send someone?
Operator: OK, sir I have you at the intersection of route 118 and 28 in Clarksburg, is that correct?
Man (To Wife): Honey just relax we'll get some help.
Man (To operator): Yes, can you just please have them get their a$$es over here?
Operator: Yes, sir, just a minute.
Operator (to Emergency Dispatcher): Hi, this is OnStar, we have a man on the line saying that his wife is in labor in the car.
Dispatcher: OK, we'll be right there.
Operator (to Man): OK, sir I've spoken to emergency services and they should be there shortly.
Woman's Voice in Background: Holy sh@#!$%^&*t, where the f^%k are they already?
Man to Operator: Just tell them to f^cking hurry.
Operator: Yes sir. Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Man (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, I'd like to open up a home equity line of credit.
Operator: I'm sorry, we don't provide that type of service.
Man: No sh#t, sherlock, just get someone the f^ck over here now!!
Operator: Thank you for using OnStar...f^%king a$$h*le.
Announcer: OnStar. Just when you think you're sh^t out of luck.

And...suggested profane or politically insensitive--but motivating--taglines for ads on satellite radio:

KFC: For chicken that's so f$%*-ing good you'll think you've died and gone to heaven.
General Motors: Buy our boring as f*ck cars so we can afford our ri-god-d@mn-diculous health care costs forced on us by those union @$$holes.
Geico: Remember, just one ticket and we'll boot your a$$es right out.
McDonalds: If you're going to feed your kids unhealthy food it might as well come with a f%#cking cute toy.
Lego: Tell your parents to buy Legos, or we'll put a scary monster under your bed, you little sh#t.
Exxon: Yeah, we'd like to see you try to cut down on gas, you SUV-driving sh*t-heads.
Anheuser-Busch: Your parents drank and drove and lived to tell about it, so don't let them pull any of that sanctimonious, guilt-inducing sh#t on you about designated drivers.

Read about Bob Dylan's foray into satellite radio here.

News: London, Ink Store Now Open; Bob London is Finalist at MIT Enterprise Forum Event

2005-11-10T06:33:00.000-05:00

NEWSFLASH:
BOB LONDON SELECTED AS FINALIST
TO PRESENT AT MIT ENTERPRISE FORUM EVENT

I was shocked to learn just a few hours ago that tonight I will be presenting as a finalist at the MIT Enterprise Forum's "Bad Business Plan" competition.

See the presentation here.

(or copy and paste:
http://www.londonink.com/Doesthisoutfitmakemelookfat-A portal for fashionably insecure people Rev.2.pps

UPDATE on 12/13: Didn't win but had a great time with a very responsive and appreciative audience. The winner was pitching "puppy burgers"--yes, you read that right--as an alternative to beef and chicken which will fall out of favor with the impending onslaught of mad cow disease and avian flu respectively.

NEWSFLASH:
London,Ink ONLINE STORE NOW OPEN;
FUN & UNIQUE GIFTS FOR MARKETERS!

Marketing- and business-themed gifts and products
you probably won't find anywhere else.
Click here to start shopping now!

Little League Free Agency

2005-11-01T11:57:00.000-05:00

When Little League Coaches "Must Win," 7-Year Olds Reap the Benefits

Here is an actual list of demands sent by a seven-year old (no doubt with the help of his parents and their attorney) to a little league coach trying to get him to switch teams:

Luxury SUV (i.e. Lexus GX470 or Cadillac Escalade) will pick me up at least 50 minutes prior to game time. Rear seat to be fitted with one Britax LittlePro booster seat (MSRP $299.99).
On the rear-seat DVD screen, the movie "Like Mike" will be playing, cued up to the point sixteen (16) minutes into the film when Michael Jordan first appears.
A cooler next to seat will be prepared to include two (2) white grape juice boxes, one pre-game, one post-game, each chilled to exactly 46 degrees, one (1) 1.5-ounce box of Junior Mints and one (1) roll of Smarties.
The words, "Mikey Pomerantz, #3," (real name changed for privacy purposes) inside an image of a five-point star, must be stencilled or painted on the cooler.
Two white high thread count (min. 500), high-absorbency towels with the same inscription and design will be available, one for pre-game warm-ups, one for post-game, will be placed in a paper bag next to the cooler.
As field conditions and logistics permit the SUV will travel onto the grass and drop me off on the field next to or just behind the dugout area. If not I will be dropped off no more than three steps from the curb nearest to the field.
Upon my arrival at field, there will be two 3 x 5 foot signs displayed behind the backstop, one reading, "Go Mikey!," and the other "Mikey, we're glad you're a Titan."
One extra large umbrella and two chairs each with two cupholders will be set up for my parents at least 20 minutes before game time. One cupholder on each chair will contain a Ginger-Jasmine Iced Tea and the other an Evian, each chilled to 46 degrees.
The same vehicle that brought me to the game will transport me home, departing the field no sooner than 15 minutes after end of game and transport me back home. Cooler next to seat will include one (1) white grape juice box chilled to exactly 46 degrees and one (1) frozen Snickers bar.
Rear-seat DVD screen will be showing Shrek, cued up to the scene eleven (11) minutes in where Shrek pulls out his ear wax and uses it for a candle.

Click here to learn how schools are using
iPods and podcasts to enhance lessons.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

I Just Figured Out Blogging, Now What in the World is Podcasting?

2005-10-12T10:28:00.000-04:00

Are marketers feeling overwhelmed (or annoyed) by the rapid proliferation of new media forms?

Well, the marketing world is just now getting its arms around the Weblog (blog) phenomenon, when here comes its immature, younger sibling, podcasting.

Wasn't is simpler in the old days when your media and direct response alternatives included print, radio, outdoor, direct mail, Sunday inserts, and--if you had decent coin--television?

Today's marketing executive or agency partner is faced with the prospect that any day, his CEO/client will fire off a note saying:

"Podcasting. What is it? Who's doing it? How do we make money on it? Need Powerpoint asap. 2 pm Wednesday. My office. Also still don't get blogging. Need refresher. Same time and place."

In its simplest terms, a podcast is audio content, such as a radio program, speech, essay or entertainment that you can download as you would a music file (ie. mp3 or RealAudio, or .wav) and listen to on your computer or portable digital music player. Even though it has the word "pod" in it, you do not need an iPod to listen to a podcast.

So podcasts enable content producers or owners to distribute their content electronically so that their target audience can listen to it (a) any time they want as opposed to having to listen when it is being broadcast); and (b) anywhere they choose without being tethered to a computer or internet connection.

"Gee," you might be thinking, "when you describe it this way, what's the big fuss? What kind of content would people want so much that they'd download a podcast, transfer it to their portable digital music player and listen to it? And how can anyone make money on this?"

Now you're thinking like a CEO.

The problem is that when buzz builds on a new type of media or distribution, everyone's afraid NOT to look into it and do a business case or pilot. Yahoo! just announced an initiative to help users search for and find podcasts, and Apple put similar tools on its iTunes site a few months ago.

They want to get in front of this parade, even if this parade turns out to have no floats, the world's tiniest marching band and a students from the baton twirling academy of Calabasas, CA. And these companies have the resources to speculate like this.

But why would other companies use podcasting? Clear Channel, the radio giant, is distributing advertiser-supported podcasts of its radio programming. And, guess what, Howard Stern fans: this is not an FCC-regulated medium, so don't be surprised if CC starts dipping its pin-striped, sock-covered toe into naughty programming on its podcasts.

Most companies won't find a rational need for podcasting, other than perhaps those looking to build a leading edge image among Gens X and Y. A few will get into it just for the ego--to have something to talk about on the golf course, or at ANA, AMA and PRSA meetings.

Here are a few samples of how London, Ink is using podcasts:

Sample Podcast #1: http://www.londonink.com/BestUseforDigCameraPodcast.mp3
Sample Podcast #2: http://www.londonink.com/PersonalSpokespersonPodcast.mp3
Sample Podcast #3: http://www.londonink.com/BlameWindowPodcast.mp3

ROI: Total investment: $0 out of pocket plus 45 minutes of recording time. Probable payout: $0.

Since these podcasts are available in Web/text form on the London Inkspot weblog, I don't think I'm going to need to upgrade my Web hosting bandwidth anytime soon. But anyone who sees the podcasts or the link to them on the London, Ink newsletter will think--at least for a moment--that there's a new parade in town and London, Ink is right there in front of it, or at least playing the tuba somewhere in the middle.

Click here to read a recent washingtonpost.com article on podcasting.

Click Here to Give Feedback or

Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

www.do-these-pants-make-me-look-fat.com (Not a real URL)

2005-10-10T08:22:00.000-04:00

The best reason ever to have a digital camera

(Download a podcast of this essay at http://www.londonink.com/BestUseforDigCameraPodcast.mp3 Click here to learn what in the world podcasting is all about.)

I just found the best use, hands down, for our digital camera. When my wife asks ‘do these pants make me look fat?’, I take a digital picture of her from behind, print it out and show it to her, so she can decide for herself.

(NOTE: I need to point out before going any further that my wife is a svelte size 2.)

This keeps me out of the uncomfortable, no-win position of having to give my own opinion.

This actually worked well for a few weeks, but once I was out with the kids, and she had to take her own picture. Not as simple as it sounds. She had to rig an elaborate series of mirrors to shoot from the right angle, plus she had to find the tripod, and, seeing it layered in dust, had to dig out the Clorox wipes to clean it first.

I came home and found an ugly scene. My wife stood, with every mirror in the house arrayed around her, her neck awkwardly twisted over her left shoulder trying to adjust the camera/tripod. She looked like Annie Oakley at an Old West target shooting exhibition or a very fashionable contortionist performing in a house of mirrors.

To avoid this situation in the future, I taught her how to use the auto shoot/timer function so she could simply put the camera and tripod behind her.

The next time this worked but when she looked at the printed photo, she couldn’t decide if the outfit made her look fat. Well, necessesity is the mother of invention, so she emailed the picture to three of her friends, then called them to get their opinion.

This gave me another sure-fire money-making idea: launch a site called www.Do-these-pants-make-me-look-fat.com, an interactive portal in the vein of amihot.com or ratemyboobjob.com, where fashion-conscious but indecisive women worldwide can post their photos and have others rate how their behinds look.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Tasteless Titles of Marketing Books

2005-10-08T06:04:00.000-04:00

Seth Godin's latest book is titled, "All Marketers are Liars." A recent effort by Mark Stevens is "Your Marketing Sucks." Another elegantly titled work is, "Your Call is Important to Us; The Truth About Bullshit."

We're really building up the stature of our industry, aren't we guys?

Its funny: you don't see titles in other industries like, "Your Supply Side Economic Theories Suck," or "1,000 Ways Accountants Rip You Off and Use the Money to Buy Their Kids Braces and Expensive Toys."

Marketers have a way of throwing our collective images to the wind when promoting or teaching about our industry. Regardless of the content and quality of these books, the titles reinforce a message that, in some cases fits all too well, but in most cases doesn't: that when it comes to marketing, you don't get what you pay for, because everyone's full of crap.

The authors will claim that they're not marketers themselves, but simply trying to help business people decode and demystify the hard to pin down art/science of marketing. And they will claim that the crass titles help their book "penetrate the market clutter," and "increase reader mindshare," in an increasingly competitive book market.

Our response: Go ahead and justify the tasteless titles if you feel the need. But don't expect readers to trust you any more than you think they trust marketers.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Jeff Ganek Talks Telecom, Neustar & Natural Monopolies at George Mason U.

2005-09-22T06:18:00.000-04:00

How to play Monopoly without the bad regulatory aftertaste.

If you're in telecom or tech or, for that matter, if you are in charge of making big strategic decisions at any growth-stage company--and you haven't heard Jeff Ganek's story, you should.

Last night, Ganek regaled an intimate (blame Fairfax County "traffic fatigue") crowd at George Mason University with the story of his company, Neustar (NASDAQ:NSR), a recently public entity that serves as an independent clearinghouse slash routing directory for all North American telephone calls. (Read the washingtonpost.com article ranking Neustar as the area's best performing IPO this year.)

Ganek's key messages included:

Initially, Neustar thought they were delivering an LNP soln but their carrier customers saw the bigger possibilities: saving money by reducing the cost of implementing new technologies, which they are constantly doing.
That's how Neustar ended up in the interoperability and control business. Now only 10% of their lookups are for LNP.
To those wondering when telecom is coming back: Old telecom is never coming back. Because the future isn't about transport and switching, its about using control and change management to reduce cost of operations.
To those wondering how Neustar will play in the world of IP networks--there is lots of independent bridging to be done there as well. One example cited: connecting private IP networks more directly and efficiently than they are currently.
The Future, Part I (3-5 years): International: Neustar is turning up LNP in Taiwwan this Oct 13th and, if consensus and cooperation occur between operators in other markets and regulators do the right thing, this will be a huge business and fuel Neustar's growth in a big way.
A message for the talented telecom benchwarmers (looking for work): Don't give up on Northern Va or the DC Metro area. This is perhaps the world's knowledge and experience center for networking and there is much growth to come--just not in the form of "old telecom."
Also of note: Neustar also manages the directory for something called Common Short Codes, probably the coolest unknown feature on the wireless Web today. Two examples: (a) Create an SMS message and type 2HELP into the "To" field the send. On the following screen you can make a donation to the Katrina relief efforts; and (b) On a lighter note, type 46645 (GOOGL) into the "To" field, then in the text field enter the word "Movies" plus your zip. Within a few seconds you will receive an SMS with--you guessed it--movie times in or near the zip you entered. (Industry insiders may remember that this is what VeriSign's ill-fated WebNum service was supposed to do.) See Yuki Noguchi's related story on washingtonpost.com.
The Future, Part II (10 years): International: Neustar is turning up LNP in Taiwan this October 13th, and if consensus and cooperation between carriers in other markets can improve, and regulators do the right thing, this will be a huge business for Neustar and others.

Somehow Ganek did all this without seeming self-serving to his company or himself.

Which leads us to the final topic: "Natural Monopolies." (Yes, Ganek himself used the M-word, interesting since he has spent much of his career toppling or at least fighting them: AT&T, while at MCI and, in his current role, NetSol/VeriSign's domain registry.

It seems Ganek's subtle, straightforward leadership style is perfectly suited to his role as leader of a company in a space that would appear to be a "natural monopoly" (again, his words).

Ganek's tips for avoiding the backlash monopolists have faced in the past: Keep customers happy and prices low, or at least reasonable.

But other events in the history of capitalism suggest another lesson: Stay on investors' radar but avoid self-aggrandizing. When Business Week calls for that cover story, think twice. As tempting as a pencil sketch of your mug on page A1 of the Journal might be, don't do it.

Don't misconstrue this advice. Go ahead and work those trades, baby. Get some ink in the mainstream business press. But after the top business rags the next stops on the PR train are USA Today, NY Times and Washington Post. And that's what the the backlash makers read. And once the backlash makers learn how profitable you are, how many trips a year you take to your Park City house (and on what type of jet), how much your media room set you back, and how little real competition you have, they will phone the Justice Department.

So Mr. Ganek, to keep this top of mind, just think about Robert DeNiro's character in the 1990 classic mob film, "Goodfellas," berating his fellow gang members for spending their Lufthansa heist loot in all too garish and visible ways (a pink Cadillac Brougham, a giant mink coat and a 30-foot albino Christmas tree).

The same lesson applies here: Maintain some self-control, because getting too greedy in too public a fashion only serves to alert the Feds. And that's the beginning of the end.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Take Two: My new patio, sponsored by Home Depot.

2005-09-06T08:22:00.000-04:00

Loyal followers of this 'blog know that my attempt to defray the cost of a new flagstone patio by selling Brick Sponsorships to friends and family fell somewhat short of expectations.

As I've said before in this space, "failure is data too," and in examining the flaws in my previous approach it was clear that:

My prospective sponsors, like my neighbor Mac, just didn't get the value proposition, and
The effort required to solicit many small sponsors was a tremendous drag on profitability.

So I shifted strategies to what I termed the Big Bang approach.

Forget the semi-altruistic pitch about neighbors seeing their names engraved in high quality bricks and helping beautify the neighborhood. It was time to follow the money and sell to a savvier audience, one that already understood the premise of spending lots of money with zero, or at best, ambiguous returns on investment.

Yes, it was time to target national advertisers!

My initial focus was on direct and indirect sponsors, an example of the former being Home Depot, where I intended to purchase the patio materials, and Anheuser-Busch, whose products would be consumed on the deck in significant quantities. I figured that with my extensive background in marketing, this was a cinch!

Here is an excerpt from my conversation with the Director of Corporate Sponsorships at Home Depot:

HD: Hi, this is Greg (last name withheld).
Me: Good morning, Greg?
HD: Yes, this is Greg.
Me: Hi, its Bob London, with All Names on Deck, LLC, how are you today?
HD: Uh...good.
Me: Fantastic. Greg, I sent you some materials last Thursday regarding a unique, limited sponsorship opportunity.
HD: Yeah?
Me: Right, and its really catching on, so I wanted to follow up with you quickly since you are one of three corporate sponsors I've identified as the most relevant charter sponsors.
HD: Uh huh.
Me: Great! Just to refresh your memory, Greg, we're putting in a new flagstone patio using exclusively Home Depot materials, and--
HD: Wait a minute.
Me: Sorry, do you have a question?
HD: Is this the deal where you want us to sponsor your patio?
Me: Well, Greg, you certainly like to cut to the chase don't you? I like that! Greg, our patio will be a high-traffic, high-quality environment for the Home Depot message at a fraction of the cost of most of your other corporate sponsorship venues. For comparison purposes I included a chart comparing our sponsorship costs and benefits with other popular sponsorships such as the U.S. Tennis Open, in-stadium signage at a Major league Baseball venue and the Westminster Kennel Club show. What this analysis shows is that--
HD: Um, can you hold for a second?
Me: Absolutely, Greg, no problem, just take as long as you--
HD: (on hold music) Goodbye Yellow Brick Road/Elton John--3:07...You're My Best Friend/Queen--4:07...Free Bird/Lynyrd Skynyrd--6:41...Stairway to Heaven/Led Zeppelin--8:28...In-a-Gadda-da-Vida/Iron Butterfly--17:55...Like a Virgin, Ext. Dance Remix/Madonna--31:01
HD: Hi, you're holding for?
Me: Greg (last name withheld).
HD: Oh, Greg's gone for the day. Would you like his voicemail?
Me: Absolutely that'd be great!
HD: (voicemail greeting) Hi, this is Greg, I'm either on the phone...(deleted for brevity)...back to you as soon as I can (beep).
Me: Hi, Greg, Bob London again about the patio sponsorships. It sounds as though there's some real interest on Home Depot's part to do this deal, so I will follow up tomorrow regarding next steps...

As you can tell, this deal is incredibly promising, and the best part is that I only need two corporate sponsors to break even. Everything after that is pure gravy, my friends! Next I'm calling the Charmin people about sponsoring our remodeled bathrooms.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

My new patio, sponsored by...you!

2005-09-05T03:55:00.000-04:00

Home improvements have gotten expensive, albeit less so than buying a new home in this frothy market. So one's natural inclination is to find ways to drive down or at least offset the out of pocket costs.

Just before breaking ground on our new flagstone patio we were at a local park with our kids when something I saw immediately struck me as a cost-saving if controversial idea. The people who developed this park had taken contributions from local families and businesses who in turn got, as a permanent, tangible representation of their gift: a brick engraved with their names.

These bricks, hundreds of them, formed the border around the play area and sent an overall message of community involvement and certainly gave the contributors a nice feeling and another way to lower their Adjusted Gross Incomes.

But at their essence the sponsored bricks helped the developers defray the cost of the park by a few thousand dollars.

Could this same approach be applied to private, residential projects such as my new patio? For the answer, let's review an excerpt from a conversation with my friend and neighbor Mac regarding the possibility of becoming a Charter Brick Sponsor for my patio:

Me: Mac, have I told you about a great new opportunity?
Mac: What's that, Bob?
Me: Well, a limited number of our friends, neighbors and family have a special, once in a lifetime chance to see their names permanently etched in a highly visible area while also helping beautify the neighborhood!
Mac: Tell me more, Bob.
Me: Well, you know that Patti and I are planning a new flagstone patio out front, right?
Mac: Right.
Me: And you know how many people come by in a given month, from our friends, their kids, our kids friends, neighbors, my parents, Patti's folks, Patti's book club, the poker gang, the FedEx guy and too many solicitors to count!
Mac: Sure!
Me: Well, you and a select number of other invitees have a unique chance to have a brick with your name and message placed around the edge of our patio!
Mac: Wow!
Me: Just think of how many important people will see your name! Mac, this is the most unique way I've ever found to get your name out there in a high profile, quality fashion without the high costs usually associated with building sponsorships.
Mac: Yeah!
Me: You know the Greene's a block over?
Mac: That new family from Columbus?
Me: Right! They're in for three bricks! One for themselves, one for their kids and one from his parents in honor of their new house!
Mac: Wow!
Me: They're absolutely certain that their investment in these permanent, high quality pavers will result in more rapid awareness and acceptance in the neighborhood!
Mac: Bob, this sounds great! But it sounds expensive!
Me: Mac, you'd be surprised how affordable a brick sponsorship can be. But first let me tell you about our sponsorship levels: Our most affordable package is Terra Cotta, which includes your name and message on one brick, plus a full color photo of your brick that you can proudly display in your home. This picture can easily increase your reach by 30% - 50% depending on the traffic through your home and specific room placement! Our next option is Terra Cotta Plus, which gives you three bricks for the price of two. Think of what you can do with three bricks, Mac! You can honor different family members, resell this exclusive opportunity to your parents at a price you determine, or use two or even three bricks together to display an even longer message! Of course this options comes with a photo as well, in beautiful panoramic mode! Our highest value option--and quickly becoming our most popular, is the Founder's Club, which gives you the unbelieveable opportunity to engrave your name and message directly onto a four square foot piece of flagstone! You can select either a perimeter slab or one towards the center of the patio, to maximize visibility. Which options sounds best to you, Mac?
Mac: Bob, they all sound great. I don't know how I'd ever decide.
Me: Super!
Mac: I just have one question.
Me: Shoot!
Mac: Have you taken your meds yet today?

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Strollers for Every Type of Dad

2005-09-03T09:23:00.000-04:00

From the Wall Street Journal, February 24, 2005: Strollers with Dad Appeal
"Anything involving wheels is bound eventually to attract the attention of the male of the species. Now, that most rudimentary -- even feminine -- of vehicles, the baby stroller, is beginning to capture the imagination of men in a big way. A generation of strollers with sophisticated engineering, sleek designs and un-nursery-like colors (from black to "racing yellow") has emerged, allowing dads to compare notes about wheel suspension and off-road handling with a reverence once reserved for expensive sports cars."

News Release:
---------------------------------------
Manly Strollers, Inc. Introduces
Spring 2006 Product Lineup
---------------------------------------

In response to escalating demand for strollers that meet the emotional and rational needs of today's man--in all his glorious variations, Manly Strollers is pleased to announce its Spring 2006 product lineup:

Hummer SidewalkCommander
Definitely the "beast-in-class," this head-turner makes Dad feel like he's just had a testosterone shot. High ground clearance front end features PoodleCatcher to clear the way of annoying critters, trash and slower toddlers.

The Esquire
Attorneys are dads too. You don't have much time to spend with your kids (understandable since you're securing their financial future), so this model makes jaunts as productive and memorable as possible. Featuring burled walnut side panels and BriefMaster, a locking extra-wide, side-car filing system for your most critical documents.

Nike Fitness Freak
Don't just stroll, grind. Padded heavy-resistance grips automatically measure heart rate and Body Mass Index. Optional stairclimber attachment converts your energy into propulsion.

The Playboy
Don't worry single dads, we haven't forgotten you. A gold Playboy bunny medallion sets off this chick-magnet. Plus there are three vanity mirrors to make sure your bangs are covering your hairplugs. Matches sets of dad/kid fuzzy dice for show and play! Order now and get a free copy of "How to Get Any Chick to Dig You."

The Blingster, by West Coast Custom Auto in L.A.
The other kids will literally drool over your gold pacifier hood ornament, and jealous player-wannabes will love the contrasting fender flares and other ground effects. Hydraulic lifts give this ride some bounce. Upgrade with your choice of three Rims4Kids 20" chrome rims.

The Hunter with the NRA Consumer Product Seal of Approval
Camoflage fabric makes this baby stand out in a crowd but blend in in the bush. Features MyFirstGunRack and 360 degree turret for wide coverage. Converts into a deluxe tree stand so it’s still useful after the kids grow up.

CyberPatrol 2.0
Wi-Fi-enabled, and with a 200 Gig hard drive and LCD monitor, you will never miss another email, video chat or blog posting with this techno-marvel. Buy now and get a 5% discount towards the CyberPatroller 3.0 upgrade coming next month.

Tool-Around Town by Craftsman
A pull-out workbench, complete with heavy-duty vise, makes this the ultimate productivity vehicle. Comes with a tool rack and tool set plus a portable generator for your power and compressor tools.

Little Green Wagon
Made of 100% recycled, reusable materials, this model features solar powered panels that heat baby bottles while you stroll. Front-end wood-chipper attachment converts twigs and leaves into mulch for your yard.

My2Dads Cruiser featuring Interior Design by Gucci
This nifty model features dual handles for side-by-side pushing. Comes with four beautiful slipcovers so you can adjust your style to meet your mood. Also comes with an indispensible laminated card with snappy comebacks to deflect snide comments from passing homophobes.

Ferrari TurboDad
Make sure you're the first dad across the finish line whether you're crossing those mean suburban streets or the marbled corridors of your local upscale mall. Features that classic low-slung Ferrari styling and racing tuned suspension.

The Elder Statesman
You've worked hard for your new young trophy wife, and this motorized luxury model is another reward. Have you had kids with more than one wife? No problem. This stroller comes with three interchangeable interiors when you’re toting kids from your first and second wife--and their kids if they have them. Self-propelled automatic drivetrain reduces wear and tear on your aging legs.

The DealMaker by Trump
When indispensability is your hallmark, this is a must-have stroller. A four-line wireless phone system is the highlight of this power-broker's dream come true. A Blackberry attached to a 21" monitor means your hostile takeovers won't skip a beat while you squeeze in some quality time with the little tax deduction. Optional front windscreen to prevent flyaway hair.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Viagra: The most awesomest, coolest superhero ever.

2005-09-02T21:32:00.000-04:00

The Most Awesomest, Coolest Super Heroes Ever
By Robbie Maxwell, Age 7

When I watch football with my daddy, my favorite parts are the really, really short shows that come when there is a time out. Not the kind of time out when I am in trouble but a football time out. Of all the really short shows, my favorite ones are the ones with the new kind of super hero.

The new kind of super heroes names are Paxil, Prevacid, Celebrex and Viagra. Aren't those names cool? I was the very very first kid I know at school that knows these super heroes, so it is really cool, like I am special and really cool. Now other kids watch these little super hero shows during football games.

What is really cool is that each super hero has a special fighting power against a very evil enemy, like Paxil helps sad people or people who are worried about things you shouldn't worry about be happy. This is very, very amazing to me. I don't know what Paxil does like he makes them laugh or tickles them but on the little shows the end shows people who look very happy. This is a very special kind of magical power all right that Paxil has. Once when we were watching the little shows, mommy told daddy that Paxil came and helped Aunt Marcia when Uncle William moved into an apartment. I told all my friends at school about this and they said it was the coolest thing ever.

Also Prevacid has special powers to fight a monster with a very long name but his nickname is Gerd. (Daddy says its gastroesophageal reflux disease.) Gerd has evil special powers that makes acid jump into your throat from your belly. Ick. Gerd sometimes comes to bother daddy. Gerd must be very powerful because he can make daddy burp! How can a monster make you burp? I think that is the funniest thing ever but mommy says don't laugh.

There is another super hero on the little shows named Celebrex. I think he is my favorite. Celebrex has secret amazing powers to fight against pain monsters. Like maybe if you fall off of your bike and make a strawberry on your knee or bump your head on your brother's head by accident then Celebrex will come and make you feel better. On the little shows it looks like Celebrex only helps fight pain for grown-ups but I don't see why Celebrex wouldn't help a little kid if he needed it.

The most mysterious super hero is called Viagra. It is so mysterious I don't even understand what kind of monster he fights. All's I know is that Viagra makes daddy's chest puff out and makes mommy smile in a sneaky way.

Do you know what is the scariest part of the little super hero shows while there is a time out? It is when they tell you about the dangerous things that can happen while Paxil, Prevacid Celebrex and Viagra are fighting the monsters? Sometimes little mini-monsters can come out and hurt you. These mini-monsters are called Headache, Diarrhea (I have heard of those monsters before actually they have bothered me after I eat too much cake), Constipation, Rectal Discharge and the most scariest one which is called a Four Hour Erection. Every time daddy hears this one he laughs really loud and sometimes he calls Uncle William and they laugh together on the phone. But then when daddy hangs up he looks worried.

Aren't these the coolest super heroes ever? I wish they would make these super heroes in little plastic so I could get them for Christmas or for losing a tooth. Then I could trade them with my friends. Or I wish you could have them come to your birthday party. I would really really love to see the look on daddy's face if Viagra ever comes to our house!

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Spice Racks in NFL Locker Rooms?

2005-09-02T08:29:00.000-04:00

I read not long ago that a trainer used a cayenne based substance on racehorse’s groin to make it run faster.

You can bet NFL players and trainers are watching this development very closely.

Let’s not kid ourselves: if this works every player is going to install a spice rack in his locker, and before every game he'll pull out his jock and shake cayenne down the front. There'll probably be alot of experimentation to get the right mix:

"Let’s see, how about some cayenne, mustard seed, tumeric, lemon peel and a dash of paprika, just for color."

Wouldn't it be great to have a Personal Spokesperson?

2005-09-02T08:27:00.000-04:00

A great way to avoid unpleasant conversations.

(Download a podcast of this essay at http://www.londonink.com/PersonalSpokespersonPodcast.mp3 Click here to learn what in the world podcasting is all about.)

I’m kind of non-confrontational. Hesitant to send food back at a restaurant. Reluctant to challenge outrageous claims or excuses by the local dry cleaner ("Um, uh, I'm not sure, and I'm not accusing you of anything, but I think I would have noticed if that burgundy stain in the shape of Elvis's face was on the shirt when I brought it in.")

I started thinking how great it would be to have an intermediary who works on my behalf...someone who can stay unemotional and objective . . . someone who knows just the right words for every situation -- part diplomat, part attorney, part spin-meister. Sort of a spokesperson.

So I got a spokesperson, Bill. I chose him because in addition to having great references, he comes with his own podium, which he can customize with my name, as well as a Teleprompter.

Now I have the ability to let people know how I feel, without having to confront them. I can tell people how I feel without actually having to say anything.

Here is the final draft of a test statement my spokesperson Bill recently read in our master bathroom to my spouse on my behalf.

"Mrs. London, this is your husband’s spokesperson. He wants you to know that while he is regretful about raising his voice last night during the discussion about your cellphone bill, he still maintains his position on that subject. He would like you to know that, in his view, it’s up to you to make the next move and, as such, wants to notify you that he is available this evening at 8 p.m. for a kitchen sit down.”

Since my wife is a vegetarian, we didn't have any raw steak on hand to put on Bill's black eye, so we had to use a cold slab of portabello.

Well, as I'm fond of saying, failure is data too, so Bill and I had a quick "lessons learned" debriefing to analyze where we might have gone wrong. Ultimately we determined that we should have let my wife decide the meeting time and place, thus giving her more of a sense of control over the situation. We also decided to provide her the text of the statement in advance to soften any negative impact of having it read to her by a complete stranger.

Bill and I are confident the next try will be more successful.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Does the Almighty Need a New Agent?

2005-09-02T08:12:00.000-04:00

More innovative publicity push could increase Bible sales.

I read recently where sales of the Bible are actually down in the last 12 months. I guess god must be frustrated he’s not getting as many royalty payments and worried that his influence in general might be on the wane.

So god decided he needed a new agent, someone who really knows the entertainment business (or "biz"), and if we listen in from the agent's end of the conversation, it goes something like this:

All right "g."--you don't mind if I call you "g." right? Maybe we can even "street" it up with a little something-something like "g. one," or "g. unit." We’re gonna go Oprah on you, all right? We’re gonna make you a brand, like Oprah, Martha, Rosie. You’ve been out oprahed by oprah. You started this whole media superstar thing a million years ago. OK 5800 years ago, sorry. Hey g. don’t be so literal, I’m talking about selling you, man. You’re god baby! The omniscient, omnipresent, omnipowerful one. The undeniable, irreplacable,impregnable, irresistible, inescapable one.

Now, for that bible thing. All right, so we’ve slipped a few points in the last year, no big deal, nothing we can’t fix with a few ideas. OK, how about we add pictures to help spice up the story a little, yknow, especially for the love scenes, nudity. We’ll turn it into the hottest star vehicle ever: We’ll get Rebecca romijn to be eve, brad pitt for adam.

No, not crazy about that one? How about selling ads? Better yet sell a sponsorship for every book/chapter. Story of noah’s ark and the great flood would be perfect for state farm insurance. The book of Job could be sponsored by Prozac. The last supper by tgi fridays.

How about adding a few revelations to bring the stories up to date, y'know the mark of a true classic is to find something new each time you read it.

No? All right, I got it I got it. Imagine this: you, god, god of our fathers, the biggest of the big kahunas, the almighty one, goes on a worldwide book signing tour.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Help Wanted: Personal CFO

2005-09-02T07:58:00.000-04:00

How rich do you have to be to justify your own CFO?

I recently saw a help wanted ad in the Wall Street Journal for a Personal CFO.

This is a guy who has so much money he requires his (or her) own Chief Financial Officer like they have in Fortune 500 companies, to manage his money.

Just how rich does someone have to be to justify hiring a Personal CFO? By what metrics would the CFO's performance be measured? Reduced tax rate. Lower adjusted gross income? Increased rate of return on portfolio? Here's a quick model to help determine the payback period on a Personal CFO:

Assumptions (Years 1 - 5):
CFO annual compensation: $200,000 + bonus and benefits
Tax rate reduction per year: 5%
Adjusted Gross Income reduction per year: 10%
Rich guy stats: $5B net worth and $5M in annual income

Forecast: Payback Period = 5 Years

Swipe cards are taking over my keychain.

2005-09-01T13:19:00.000-04:00

Weighing me down, one nanogram at a time.

Like many of you I have witnessed the creep of the swipe cards as they slowly but deliberately take over my keychain.

Nowhere is this phenomenon more evident than at the gym where gym-bees hang their car keys on a large pegboard while they exercise. I estimate that the average number of swipe cards per keychain is now up to 4.5, with the most popular being: (1) grocery store; (2) gym; (3) drug store; (4) gas station; and (5) photo developing store.

The question I have is, when will someone come up with a granddaddy swipecard that is the equivalent of a master key and works with all of these services and outlets? If I decide to choose a particular gym they don't have to give me yet another new swipe card, they just program my granddaddy card to identify me as a paying member.

I don't know what kind of standards exist in this arena, but presumably, since swipe cards are bar-coded and not magnetically encoded, then the graddaddy card would follow suit, and every retailer won't have to install new card readers. There would have to be at least some level of work to standardize the data sets at the granddaddy level so that each retailer's reader and CRM system can accept it.

So the question is, what company's going to step up and take on this challenge?

What about VeriSign, who has shown aggressiveness in the area of high volume, rapid database lookup or directory applications.
Perhaps FDC whose stated mission is to "...move the world's money safely and reliably, making it easier, faster and more secure for people and businesses to buy and sell goods." certainly fits the bill.
Or EDS which certainly has the big picture design and integration skills to bring it all together.

But the low-tech solution is much simpler. Why can't someone produce a small carrying case, about 1/8" thick, that attaches to a keychain and serves as a sort of holster/dispenser for my swipe cards? I envision this along the lines of a paint samples that are grommeted together on one end so that they can be fanned out for individual inspection. I'm sure the Container Store could sell millions of these.

To make this a very profitable idea, whoever produces the swipe card holster can sell sponsorship space on the outside, for example to the retailer (Container Store) to create valuable consumer impressions, or via promotional specialty firms that can imprint any company's name on hundreds of these items to distribute to their employees, sales forces or customers.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Allen Iverson's Cornrow-Me-Beautiful

2005-08-31T08:34:00.000-04:00

There will soon be a sports arena somewhere, brought to us by some enterprising owner, where patrons will be able to "interact" with arena events in various new ways, via a small computer screen right at their seats.

The concept sounds incredibly tantalizing for the serious sports fan. Imagine the possibilities:

Allen Iverson's Cornrow-Me-Beautiful
Not crazy about the Sixers' shooting star's hair mix du jour? Change it to your liking as many times during the game as you want. For an additional fee you can rearrange his braids to spell your name or your company's name.

Insta-Gator
No more sitting through an entire hockey game without seeing a single fight. Now you can see your beloved tough guys square off whenever you choose. (Note: players must be on opposing teams.)

Virtual GM
Ever find yourself questioning player personnel while you're watching a game? Now you can run the show yourself and make real-time moves using special features like On-Line Waivers and Cyber-Trade.

Interactive Trash Talk With Ron Artest
Now you don't have to have courtside seats to swap venom with the mercurial star of the Indiana Pacers.

Dentu-Flex
See what your favorite hockey players would look like with teeth.

Figure Skating "Command Performance"
Push the envelope of figure skating by having skaters attempt never-tried-before moves that you make up during their routines! Imagine the thrill of seeing a quintuple axel, or a 60-inch vertical flying lutz.

Zebra Zap!
Had enough of a referee's bad calls? Send him a harmless but memorable message with a jolt of low-wattage electricity.

Concession Wars
It's a game of 'survival of the fittest' as beer vendors fight among themselves to find you when you send out a high frequency radio signal indicating you're ready for another brew.

Fan-Blaster
Spotted an extra-obnoxious fanatic who's ruining your good time with his leather-lunged diatribes? Cool him off with a blast from a water cannon you control right from your seat.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

Personal Google Coaching Is Modern Equivalent to Resume Coaching

2005-08-30T19:56:00.000-04:00

If you're not on Google do you really exist?

Someone I know ran into a spot of trouble with the Feds. Nothing egregious or incarceratory, just a little misunderstanding of certain statutes related to political donations. Through no fault of her own, she ended up being named in something called a conciliation agreement as a "conduit," which is the white-collar equivalent of being a heroin donkey. Someone who unwittingly participates in assisting or propagating an illegal transaction.

In any case, she grew concerned that, on a Google search of her full name, a Federal government media advisory regarding this conciliation agreement was the number one result. Second was another public document from a Federal news database with the text of the same agreement.

Her question was: how does one manage to displace those horrid documents--not from cyberspace altogether, as that would undoubtedly involve some other type of Federal offense--but simply so that they were not the first two results under her name.

In fact, she admitted, that even though she was quite successful, she had not had the type of career that left much of a cyber trail. No quotes in articles or press releases (except for the unfortunate one mentioned above); not much involvement in industry groups and committees; and very little participation in non-profit endeavors. (OK, so you can legitimately say she has some work to do in the extra-curricular activity department.)

This opened up a very interesting subject: could there be a business consulting with individual professionals to recommend how they can enhance their search results? Here are a few methods that came to mind right away to increase one's Web visibility:

If you give to charities, do they publish a list of donors on the Web? Remember don't let them give your town or you'll get solicited by every charity in the hemisphere. If you don't give, think about it. In addition the potential cyber-exposure its a great feeling to be charitable.
Chances are you or your company are a customer or client of a well-known firm. Ask if they are interested in featuring you as a testimonial on their Web site. Think your middleware vendor or PR firm, or even your dry cleaner or local Ruby Tuesdays. Tip: If you know any entrepreneurs, talk to them; they are always looking for references or testimonials--even personal ones--to put on their Web sites to make them look credible.
Join industry groups and networking groups and get involved with committees. With a little effort you can get your name out on the Web in no time.
Submit your latest doings to your undergrad and graduate alumni groups who are notorious for publishing every tidbit they're given.
Make friends in your company's PR department. Perhaps they can use you as a subject matter expert for a project you're working on and you'll get quoted somewhere. Or they might use you as an employee testimonial on your company's site.
Look at your resume. What's on there that you can leverage.
Start your own Web site or blog that highlights your area of expertise or even your family. Then you can run a Google ad campaign (you know those little text ads in the right column next to the search results) so that when someone searches for your name they can click on your ad and see what you've been up to.

Yup, there just might be a business idea in here somewhere.

Click Here to Give Feedback or
Send Your Ideas for Future Articles

What is London Ink Spot?

2005-08-30T07:40:00.000-04:00

This weblog is for the entertainment and overall enjoyment of anyone who is associated with or interested in business and marketing and who has a healthy sense of humor and irony.

There isn't one word that sums up the tone and perspective of this 'blog, but the first several that come to mind are: slightly skewed, offbeat, irreverent and satirical.

Why? Because the worlds of marketing and business are full of irony, mild hypocrisy, conflicts of opinion and interest, and often hilarious proclamations.

Please comment or provide feedback on any and all topics, and suggest topics for future posts, for example:

Interesting trends, campaigns or strategies: Is the recent Halliburton image television campaign a good idea or a waste of money? Are business weblogs worth the pixels they're printed on?
Unexplained business and marketing phenomena:Why do some companies like Starbucks, Google and Southwest Airlines enjoy such an aura of positive goodwill from media and analysts? Why does it seem to take longer to board airplanes by rows? Why doesn't the world have an international anthem?
Tough questions: Why do big beer brewers continue to spend so much on network television image campaigns? Why are ad agencies' own ads so bad? Who advised AOL that their "customers walking through our halls and preaching from our conference room tables" campaign was a good thing--and is it working?

Thanks and enjoy.

Bob London
Editor in Chief
London Ink Spot